Reflections on Mother's Day 2016
Some celebrations are rich fodder for therapy, among them: Thanksgiving, Passover Seders, Mother's Day, and weddings. There's a template for these get togethers. It's usually an idealized one for all parties involved. Therein lies the source of much disillusionment and angst. Let's take Mother's Day. If our family configuration differs from the imagined "flower filled, warmly connected, free flowing mutual appreciation" template--we suffer. Often we look forward to these get togethers . But upon contact, perhaps before a single word is said, we feel disappointed-- whether we respond to a small sigh, an ambivalent hug, no one to meet us upon arrival, a passive aggressive non-answer, or a critical head to toe body scan. These are examples of emotional hash tags. They are cues which dial up long established interactions, memories, and personality dynamics. This effect is so pronounced that within minutes our optimism about the visit, and often our affection for those visited is dampened.
When we are planning the visit, we feel like adults. But when we walk into the kitchen we are visited by feelings and memories that belong to our younger selves. We developed our family dynamic years ago. The parents in the today's kitchen were younger parents then. The grown children in today's kitchen were dependent youngsters with rudimentary coping skills. When we encounter the family dynamic as grown ups we're visited (haunted?) by the limitations and maturity level of our younger selves. This is true for both parties. Example: Older parents critically eyeball the weight of a grown child, while the adult child immediately senses judgement and disapproval in a glance. In a glance. Wow, we are sensitive creatures.
How can this go better? Here are a few ideas.
Q: How's Mother's Day going to be?
A: About how most days are with our family.
Q: How can we avoid detonating the trip wires of old family conflicts?
A: Maybe you'll have everyone on their best behavior. Maybe not. Try finding comfort in the fact that these are your original kin. One reason you love them is that they are so "them". Of course they : "enter your own complaint here" Anticipate it, accept it, factor it in with everything else about them. Roll your eyes. Turn to your allies. Laugh it off. Be sarcastic. But don't walk off in a huff or sulk. Get into the mix of your family--it's the only one you have.
Q: Will that work?
A: Grown children are adults and older parents are no longer in charge. If there is anything for all parties to feel defensive about (which of course there inevitably is) : weight, health, dating status, parenting style, personality, etc. All parties are the CEO of their own issues. If you're sensitive about weight or wealth (or dozens of other things) the family response isn't the problem. The problem is the problem. If those who love you offend you by noticing these things, don't be defensive. Express your own concern about the problem. This elicits empathy and caring and stops the old dynamic dead in it's tracks.
Q: How can you let family members get away with treating each other badly?
A: Underneath most family dynamics lurks love. If you feel a family member commit an old "crime" with regard to a sensitive issue, try softening.
"Mom, if you feel concerned about my "issue", talk to me about it. "
"Son, if you want to "issue" it's my sense things will go badly, let's take a walk."
If all of this fails to improve Mother's Day, remember it's just a day. There are many others.
